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When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car...

A Pirate walks in a bar.... the bartender takes one look and says "What the heck is that for?" the pirate had a set of handle bars sticking out of his pants. The Pirate says" Arrrrrr, it's driving me nuts!".