This could have gone in humor, but it really is GEEZER sort of thing:
> This is one of the funniest e-mails I've ever read. I
> have laughed my butt off (I wish). I think I may have sent
> it out earlier but it's so funny I had to send it again.
> There are some new things at the end of the this one that I
> didn't see the first time. Flashback to your experience,
> enjoy, laugh and release some endorphins.
>
>
>
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a
> colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed
> me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
> appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
> briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the
> colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and
> patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
> really hear anything he said, because my brain was
> shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
> FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
> I left Andy's office with
> some written instructions, and a prescription for a product
> called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough
> to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
> detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never
> allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
> enemies.
> I spent the next several days
> productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day
> before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
> food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
> basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the
> evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric sys
> tem, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink
> the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep
> tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
> spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> The instructions for MoviPrep,
> clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
> state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
> after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
> with the ground.
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I
> don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever
> seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
> MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
> several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
> violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
> figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
> liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
> your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
> food that you have not even eaten yet.
> After an action-packed evening, I
> finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to
> the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
> about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
> return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,
> 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to
> a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
> enough.
> At the clinic I had to sign many
> forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed
> with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to
> a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and
> put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist
> perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
> even more naked than when you are actually naked.
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a
> little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
> would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I
> hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what
> would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
> the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie
> wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting
> with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had
> me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
> hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
> music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that could be playing during this
> particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
> least appropriate.
> 'You want me to turn it
> up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
> ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
> been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
> prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
> explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
> I have no idea. Really. I slept
> through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing
> Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
> moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
> mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how
> I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when
> Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
> passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
> internal organ.
> ABOUT THE WRITER
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer
> Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
> On the subject of
> Colonoscopies...
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but
> these comments during the exam were quite humorous.. A
> physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
> performing their colonoscopies:
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc.
> You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart
> yet?'
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we
> there yet? Are we there yet?'
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas,
> we're now legally married.'
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped
> miners, Chief?'
> 7. 'You put your left hand
> in, you take your left hand out...'
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a
> Muppet feels!'
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't
> fit, you must quit!
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if
> you find my dignity.'
> 11. 'You used to be an
> executive at Enron, didn't you?'
> 12. 'God, now I know why I
> am not gay.'
> And the best one of all.
> 13. 'Could you write a note
> for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
>
> This is one of the funniest e-mails I've ever read. I
> have laughed my butt off (I wish). I think I may have sent
> it out earlier but it's so funny I had to send it again.
> There are some new things at the end of the this one that I
> didn't see the first time. Flashback to your experience,
> enjoy, laugh and release some endorphins.
>
>
>
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a
> colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed
> me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
> appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
> briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the
> colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and
> patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
> really hear anything he said, because my brain was
> shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
> FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
> I left Andy's office with
> some written instructions, and a prescription for a product
> called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough
> to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
> detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never
> allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
> enemies.
> I spent the next several days
> productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day
> before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
> food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
> basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the
> evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric sys
> tem, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink
> the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep
> tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
> spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> The instructions for MoviPrep,
> clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
> state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
> after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
> with the ground.
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I
> don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever
> seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
> MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
> several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
> violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
> figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
> liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
> your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating
> food that you have not even eaten yet.
> After an action-packed evening, I
> finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to
> the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
> about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
> return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,
> 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to
> a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
> enough.
> At the clinic I had to sign many
> forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed
> with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to
> a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and
> put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist
> perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
> even more naked than when you are actually naked.
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a
> little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
> would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I
> hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what
> would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
> the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie
> wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting
> with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had
> me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
> hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
> music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that could be playing during this
> particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
> least appropriate.
> 'You want me to turn it
> up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
> ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
> been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
> prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
> explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
> I have no idea. Really. I slept
> through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing
> Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
> moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
> mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how
> I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when
> Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had
> passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
> internal organ.
> ABOUT THE WRITER
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer
> Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
> On the subject of
> Colonoscopies...
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but
> these comments during the exam were quite humorous.. A
> physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
> performing their colonoscopies:
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc.
> You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart
> yet?'
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we
> there yet? Are we there yet?'
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas,
> we're now legally married.'
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped
> miners, Chief?'
> 7. 'You put your left hand
> in, you take your left hand out...'
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a
> Muppet feels!'
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't
> fit, you must quit!
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if
> you find my dignity.'
> 11. 'You used to be an
> executive at Enron, didn't you?'
> 12. 'God, now I know why I
> am not gay.'
> And the best one of all.
> 13. 'Could you write a note
> for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
>