Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners from the Chuk-o-lota, Florida library....... :wink:
>
> 1.
> Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
> 2.
> Always identify people in your yard before
> shooting at them.
>
> 3.
> It's considered poor taste to take a
> cooler to church.
>
> 4.
> If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time
> to change the sheets.
>
> 5.
> Even if you're certain that you are
> included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive
> a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
> Dining Out
>
> 1.
> If drinking directly from the bottle,
> always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
>
> 2.
> Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on
> the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
>
> Entertaining In Your Home
>
> 1.
> A centerpiece for the table should never
> be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
>
> 2.
> Do not allow the dog to eat at the table
> no matter how good his manners are.
>
> Personal Hygiene
>
> 1.
> While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
> this is a job that should be done in private using one's
> OWN truck keys
>
> 2.
> Proper use of toiletries can forestall
> bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
> deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
> 3.
> Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a
> social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
> jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
>
> Dating (outside the family)
>
> 1.
> Always offer to bait your date's hook,
> especially on the first date.
>
> 2.
> Be aggressive. Let her know you're
> interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you
> since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
> ago."
>
> 3.
> Establish with her parents what time she
> is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say
> "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
> man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
> 4.
> Always have a positive comment about your
> date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure
> don't sweat much for a fat gal."
>
> Weddings
>
> 1.
> Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a
> wedding gift.
>
> 2.
> Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
> may get you shot.
>
> 3.
> For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A
> leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can
> create too sporty an appearance.
>
> 4.
> Though uncomfortable, say "yes"
> to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
>
> 5.
> It is not appropriate to tell the groom
> how good his wife is in the sack.
>
> Driving Etiquette
>
> 1.
> Dim your headlights for approaching
> vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in
> sight.
>
> 2.
> When approaching a four-way stop, the
> vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
>
> 3.
> Never tow another car using panty hose and
> duct tape.
>
> 4.
> When sending your wife down the road with
> a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
>
> 5.
> Never relieve yourself from a moving
> vehicle, especially when driving.
>
> 6.
> Do not lay rubber while traveling in a
> funeral procession.
>
> Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a
> Redneck Murder:
>
> 1.
> All the DNA is the same.
>
> 2.
> There are no dental records
>
>
>
>
>
> 1.
> Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
> 2.
> Always identify people in your yard before
> shooting at them.
>
> 3.
> It's considered poor taste to take a
> cooler to church.
>
> 4.
> If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time
> to change the sheets.
>
> 5.
> Even if you're certain that you are
> included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive
> a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
> Dining Out
>
> 1.
> If drinking directly from the bottle,
> always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
>
> 2.
> Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on
> the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
>
> Entertaining In Your Home
>
> 1.
> A centerpiece for the table should never
> be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
>
> 2.
> Do not allow the dog to eat at the table
> no matter how good his manners are.
>
> Personal Hygiene
>
> 1.
> While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
> this is a job that should be done in private using one's
> OWN truck keys
>
> 2.
> Proper use of toiletries can forestall
> bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
> deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
> 3.
> Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a
> social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
> jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
>
> Dating (outside the family)
>
> 1.
> Always offer to bait your date's hook,
> especially on the first date.
>
> 2.
> Be aggressive. Let her know you're
> interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you
> since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
> ago."
>
> 3.
> Establish with her parents what time she
> is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say
> "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
> man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
> 4.
> Always have a positive comment about your
> date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure
> don't sweat much for a fat gal."
>
> Weddings
>
> 1.
> Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a
> wedding gift.
>
> 2.
> Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
> may get you shot.
>
> 3.
> For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A
> leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can
> create too sporty an appearance.
>
> 4.
> Though uncomfortable, say "yes"
> to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
>
> 5.
> It is not appropriate to tell the groom
> how good his wife is in the sack.
>
> Driving Etiquette
>
> 1.
> Dim your headlights for approaching
> vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in
> sight.
>
> 2.
> When approaching a four-way stop, the
> vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
>
> 3.
> Never tow another car using panty hose and
> duct tape.
>
> 4.
> When sending your wife down the road with
> a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
>
> 5.
> Never relieve yourself from a moving
> vehicle, especially when driving.
>
> 6.
> Do not lay rubber while traveling in a
> funeral procession.
>
> Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a
> Redneck Murder:
>
> 1.
> All the DNA is the same.
>
> 2.
> There are no dental records
>
>
>
>