Helpful Hints.....

[oldyaker]

Amazing Simple Home Remedies
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[islandpiper]

Chuck, the first item on your list brings back a story and memories of an old friend, long since gone. Fritz Wintland was a young man, a boy by modern standards, when he and his friend Joe got work as lunberjacks in Haward, Wisconsin. They rented a room for fifty cents a week with one bed and a dresser. As they had to get up at about 4:00 AM every day to head out to the woods and since they were both teenagers, and we know how they can sleep, they needed a way to wake up when the alarm went off.

So, they took a cigar bos and nailed it to the wall and let the lid down with a string till it was no longer level, just a little shelp, pitched down and awayk from the wall. Then, they put the old WIND UP alarm clock on the shelf. Now, when the alarm rang, it would vibrate down the cigar box lid shelf, fall and hit them in the face as they slept. Yup......they learned to wake up as soon as the alarm went off....no one, then or now, wants to have a two pound alarm clock hit them in the face at 4:00 AM.

this is a true story!! Get the average teenager to get up and go to work that early now.......and lunberjacking was not easy then, before power saws and trucks.

Thanks for jogging my memory, Chuck, I hadn't thought about this ofl friend for a long time.

Piper

 

[islandpiper]

(looking forward to being able to see well enough to proofread my posts someday.......) Piper

 

[bearridge]

Ole Sparkey 'n oldyaker are twins.....like Danny Devito 'n the Guvenator. It iz eazy ta mistake 'em fer one anuther....without a eye transplant.

I liked that alarm clock tale even if ya dont know who yer talkin' to. :mrgreen: :roll: :mrgreen:

regards
bearridge

If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

[Kayak Jack]

Take pity on poor Piper-san. You can see how hard up for friends he is. Poor Olde Farte is half crazed as it is.

Won't be long, he'll start answering himself - and arguing with the answers!

 

[Slammer]

My mother would put frozen marbles in the bed. Can't get away from them.

Walk in, tell you to get up.....then say "I'll be right back with the marbles" We'd get up quick.

One time, i was going to be smart after being out a 'carousing, so when i snuck back in I eazed on in there and took them marbles out of the freezer.

So the next morning dear oh Mom 'eazed on in there with a glass of ICE CUBES. Never did that again.

Those are pretty funny, I like the the high blood pressure, laxatives and WD-40.

 

[islandpiper]

Jack, it must be pretty tiresome to be late on everything.....it has been a long time since I started talking to myself. You missed that one by a mile.

No, it was only 250, maybe 260 yards.
No, it was a mile anyway....

I'd say 250 yards, max.
It was a mile.....listen to me

No, you're way over..
Trust me....it was a mile.

No, you are exaggerating again.

Well, look who I'm talking to here...it's Jack.

Well, stick with the 250 yards....

No, it was mile......what do you say Jack? You're the one who made the mistake here.....guessing wrong about when I'd begin arguing with myself?

Damned foil hat....keeps slipping..... .... sigh - he's like a faithful, old, gout-ridden, arthritic, syphilitic, dog ya just don't know what to do with. (Jack signing in here)

Grits are done, gotta go dish 'em up.

Piper

 

[oldyaker]

Country Funeral......

Country Funeral



As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."