Ozark Expedishun

[bearridge]

Fellas,

If any a ya'll figger we been jokin' bout Ole Sparkey's Curse, jest go check the forecast fer Jasper, AR. I never seen so many different ways ta say "thunderstorm".

We start off with "severe", then reglar thunderstorms, then "scattered" thunderstorms. The week ends up with showers 'n partly cloudy, but I aint gwine ta let my guard down.....a "worrisome" thunderstorm kin hit near bout any time when the Hardest Workin' Man in Flow Bizness iz with ya. :?

Next summer I aim ta make some dough off the High Sheriff. Got drought? Rain......$50 a acre. :lol:

The Sparkanator tole me ta tell ya'll he left Ole Kayak Jack in charge, but if he comes back 'n everbody haz gone ta lyin'......heads gwine ta roll. I dont know why he iz worryin'.....Swampy will be on the river 'n figgers a laptop iz somethin' ya git over ta the titty bar. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

regards,

bearridge
bodine meterlogikle school


It aint what ya dont know that hurts ya. What really puts a hurtin’ on ya iz what ya knows fer sho, that jest aint so. Uncle Remus

 

[bearridge]

Buffalo report.

The hoodoochie that come after Ole Sparkey Thursday.....down in the state formerly known as the Sunshine State.....wuz the worst one Joe Fennell sez he ever drove thru.

Joe sez he wuz tryin' ta drive the highroad, when all of the sudden, he seen a gold Jeep pullin' a wood boat rite in front of him....kinda like a ghost ship. The Milton KOA wuz flooded. Ike's Highroad #10 wuz partly underwater.

Joe fell behind, but by 'n by he come upon the Jeep/rollin' coffin a second time. He figgered it jest had ta be the High Sheriff. They been road buddies ever since.

They tried ta call me last nite, but high tecknology put a can a whup ass on 'em. This mornin' I called Prissy at the Lakeview Inn down in Cajun Country, but she didnt nuthin'....never even heard of the Sparkanator.

I called Miz Sparkanator back in the hurricane state. She sez, "how come he aint called me yet?" I tole her he likely caint figger out push number phones. I hung up while she wuz studyin' on that. Whew!

Oldyaker 'n Swampy called frum the Music City jest before Ole Sparkey called. Swampy hung hiz red drawers out on the camper ta flag Yaker. It worked, but it also drew some workin' gals who asked 'em ta come watch their genuine country music show later on down by the KOA washin' machines. I reckon Dapper Al aint the only fella kin draw the chicks. :mrgreen:

Joe wuz a bit uneazy bout the severe thunderstorms tomorrow nite. I tole him not ta worry.....it happens ever time anybody expedishunizes with the Master of Flow Bizness.

I wonder how many folks gwine ta show up at Steel Creek? :lol:

Ever tried ta herd cats?

regards,

bearridge
paddlin' geezer

Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago. Will Rogers

 

[Kayak Jack]

Br'r Bear,

Mebbe you'd better call the park master there where the fellas are rendezvousing. Ask him to stretch a geezer net (that has bigger holes than a net for minnies) across the river. Some of our boys are likely to wash right down stream the first day and finish this five day trip on the first night.

Does the HIgh Shurif's jeep have a fording kit installed?

 

[bearridge]

I'll say a word...jest a word.

Met three new geezers, Joe, the Commodore's son and oldyaker. Liked 'em all. Enjoyed seein' the other geezers, but Doc Moibus never showed up. I sho hope all iz well 'er he jest seen all that storm 'n rain...'n laid low.

I done a lotta careless stuff, but when it comes ta leadin' a expedishun, other folks safety iz heavy on my mind. The Buffalo aint known fer whitewater, altho there iz a few spots that turns folks bottom upwards...particularly after a big rain. Usually its jest college kids on a sunny day trip with a beer cooler.

Judgin' whitewater paddlin' skill aint eazy, particularly fer a fellow who aint used ta nuthin' in the boat but some water, a paddle 'n some air bags.....in a lite boat with high sides, good rocker 'n without no danged keel.

Most folks kin do a heap more'n they realize. One a the hardest times iz when ya come up on somethin' nasty lookin'. All that water gits ta poundin' in yer ears. It gits yer heart ta poundin' too. It gits worse if its overcast 'n gloomy.....like it iz in the lite rain. This near bout always happens when ya stop 'n look at it fer a spell...but jest blowin' rite thru aint safe at all.

The USGS boys set a guage rite where we put in. Below 2.2' iz too low fer paddlin'...less ya runnin' solo 'n very lite. Tween 2.9'-4.8' iz the good water. Over 4.8' the NPS kin close the river down.

After the High Sheriff flung a hoodoochie on the Ozarks the guage went ta 3.42'. At the put in I knew fellas wuz gittin' worried cuz it wuz some rocks rite across the river bout 20 yards frum shove off. That didnt give nobody no time ta learn ta whitewater.

I didnt want ta take a poll, but I dont figger it wuz but one 'er two ever paddled stuff like that 'n never with a boat loaded down with gear. I never tried that myownself. I had ta practice a bit while they wuz loadin'.

Oh....'n it wuz still rainin'. Like that Randy Newman song, "the river rose all nite 'n it rose all day". By midnight it wuz 3.71'.

First day we come upon a heap a unnamed rapids that bad needed a name....besides "Oh Shit" 'er worse. Oldyaker named one "Snatch" after Swampy, but I better let him tell ya'll why. We run upon Wrecking Rock 'n everbody done good.

Nobody blowed out on the first day. The last day we found one canoe pinned under water, a half a canoe 'n a lost raft bouncin' along the bank. I figger it mite a been the Deliverance boys, so we jest left it be.

First day wuz fer workin' on paddle skills cuz day two had Gray Rock Shoals. At least that wuz what I recalled from the time 20 years ago when I paddled that stretch...at a much lower level.

It wuz cool the first day, we were plum wore out frum Ole Sparkeys Curse (did I mention it continued to rain most of Monday 'n drizzled on 'n off fer Tuesday?) 'n I seen rite off them flatwater boats with keels, loaded down with Coleman stoves, fuel 'n tons of mitey good food were likely ta wear out if we took that path....even the Commodore 'n Ray.

The Hardest Working Man in Flow Bizness had his fine little homemade boat, but it didnt have high sides 'er any rocker. Him 'n Joe did fine in the low boats, but I kin tell that look on faces when a fella iz thinkin' "dang.....what the heck am I doin' here....please jest let me git thru this one."

Then we seen some more rapids that oughta had a name on the map, then we come upon Gray Rock Shoals. I heard it bout a half mile upriver. I pulled over 'n got all the geezers out fer a peek at this one. My first thought wuz "Class II my ass".

It wuz high Class II (mebbe Class II.V), but only because it didnt have no big turn 'er tricky stuff up top 'er rite after ya dropped inta it. It wuz ledges all the way across with a far left slot right up agin a big tree 'n a big rock 'n a slot out in the middle that wuz kinda hard ta see what with all the waves.

If I hadnt pulled over...jest led 'em inta it, I figger they would have all made it if they had followed my line, but when ya pull over on a gloomy day, listened ta the roar, I didnt figger they were gonna run them flatwater boats through all those waves 'n all that racket. It took a while to line down the side.

oldyaker jest aint rite, so he run it out in the middle where I run it. If he had gone rite after me, I bet some more woulda give it a try, but he had ta study on it too long...plus he went rite to work helpin' line. I done my best ta tell 'em, they kin bring the Sparkanator back anytime 'n paddle the whitewater. River aint gwine nowhere.

I figger we wuz thru the big stuff, but it warnt no time til me 'n Dapper Al come round this bend 'n seen big rocks 'n ledges all over the whole dang river....fer near bout 150 yards. I know some a them fellas had ta feel like Meryl Streep when she went in that raft with the Footloose fella.

20 years iz a long time ta recall a river. Besides the water warnt up so high...it wuzn't no reason fer me ta remember Gray Rock Shoals with lower water...plenty a time ta pick yer way thru. This wuz Gray Rock Shoals, not the bad water where we stopped 'n got out ta look!

I whupped across the river 'n fell in behind a big rock out ta catch my breath 'n look round a bit. I wuz gwine ta point out the rite lines 'n bad spots ta the whitewater geezers, but it warnt no use. I couldnt see the lines amongst all them waves. Besides, Mr. Bodacious (that iz Swampy's Roman name) wuz rite behind me. I jest yelled some kind words at him when he stuck on the rocks.

Geezer after geezer come thru okay, even tho several got stuck tryin' ta git thru that rock garden. Everbody made it thru, but the Commodore 'n Ray took on some water (which, with all the fine food 'n gear they had, made their boat VERY hard ta handle). That iz one more whitewater lesson folks gotta learn the hard way. They got all the way thru the real Gray Rock Shoals, then blew out tryin' ta git over ta shore down below.

At this level, Gray Rock Shoals wuz near bout Class III, because of the big rocks, the big waves 'n the need ta thread yer way thru makin' some sharp turns. In Roman fer Swampy....I mean Mister Bodacious...I figger it wuz Class II.VIII.

Since it wuz jest a short paddle down ta the Kyles Landin', 'n since it warnt no women round askin' the fellas ta strip down fer a peek (like when the High Sheriff done the exact same thing up a Hemmed-in-Hollow), we didnt build no fire 'n switch ta dry clothes.

That group frum Wisconsin had the High Sheriff all hemmed-in 'n they done some hollerin' when he turnt bottom upwards, but I caint tell if they wanted him ta make somebody squeal like a pig 'er what. I jest caint say. After a while they sent him down ta us in one piece in dry clothes.

When we pulled inta Ozark Campground the last afternoon, Ranger Dan wuz takin' down a "experienced floaters only" warnin' sign 'n puttin' back the "ample water" sign. See....the further ya go downriver, the more water wuz comin' off them bluffs. I reckon we seen a hunred water falls.

I know what I done wuz a mite selfish. I already seen that stretch, but it wuz more fun seein' agin it thru their eyes. I really didnt have no idea a hoodoochie would bump the skill level up so high, but I got anuther thrill watchin' them flatwater geezers learn ta handle the big water. It didnt take long fer the talk ta turn ta bringin' the rite kinda boat fer next time....'n cuttin' down on the weight.

Ole Ranger Dan's warnin' sign warnt no problem fer our expedishun. :mrgreen:

regards,

bearridge

P.S. We wuz mitey lucky ta have the Sparkanator bring the water level up like that. The guage up at the put in wuz droppin' after only two days. Paddlers who put in on Wednesday woulda missed it. Even hiz hoodoochie didnt hold that mountain river level up more'n two days. The last half of the river we covered didnt hold much of a challenge ta the paddlin' geezers.


By God Woodrow, its been quite a party, aint it? Gus McCrae

 

[Kayak Jack]

Br'r Bear,

Glad to hear you guided all them Roman (Roamin'?) Geezers back to the good life. Yer still on of the gudd gize. (Except for that penchant of yorn of eatin gree-itz. That's kinda like a dog eatin' its own .... well, never mind.)

 

[bearridge]

Friend Kayak Jack,

We wuz all mitey pleased that Tom drove over frum Buzzards Bluff with Miz Winnie's cookies 'n good company. I near bout came up short on the fine vino cuz I plum fergot how me'n Tom kin drain a bottle purty quick when the tall tale tellin' gits underway.

However, oldyaker come ta the rescue. In fact, everbody wuz holdin' back with a heap a good stuff fer the river. I come home with more food than I started off with. Oldyaker give me a big sack a Pennsylvania yellow grits....'n a heap more stuff that only Italians kin find in a store...like hiz private butchers sausage, (moist, tender) jerky 'n beef sticks.

Ever nite we set out on the river bank round a campfire, thinkin' bout how special it wuz jest bein' there in that beautiful spot, but jest az special.....naw, more special......wuz bein' round such a swell bunch of geezers who dont bat an eye when it come ta sharin' everthin' they brought.

The first nite, I tried ta take up fer ya, but it didnt do no good. Next year I figger ya gotta come 'n git even fer all that hard talk....Mac too. A few a them guys sez Mac iz bout the sorriest sob it ever wuz....'n he caint count fish worth a dang. Like that time when the game warden tole him...."Mister Mc, ya mite be a bit confused on the limit, but I kin assure ya it aint 98".

But ya gotta watch out fer Joey 'n Jimmy. If they aint in the witness program by then, them wiseguys kin hurt ya....my sides still hurt frum all the laughin'. :mrgreen:

It wuz some pichur takin', but not much on the river in the rain in the big stuff. I took some the last day on the river. If any of 'em come out, I reckon I kin find a scanner.

regards,

bearridge
paddlin' geezer canoe clud

If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man, don't bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, of weeping, of seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you will get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he's a good man.
Fyodor Dostoyevski

 

[Kayak Jack]

Thanks, Br'r Bear. I know that my hide was itching a few nights ago. But, if those Roamin’ Geezers hopped up on a stump, and no lady-type cows was around, they probably went to oratin about me n other fellas not there to defend ourselves.

Fact is, they’d have to tink long and hard to come up with something unsavory about me that didn’t have at least a tinge of truth to it. So, I’m not worried about much anything a buncha tired out ole geezers thought up sittin on a river bank in the dark, don’tchya see. Besides, if they were pickin on me, then our President was still free to roam and do his job.

My hope is that everyone has an uneventful - and safe - return to quarters.

 

[BEARS BUDDY]

Good re-port, Cap'n Bear. ( Gittin' the crew through earned you a pro-motion.) Is the curse of the rain god Sparkey really broken? :lol:

 

[bearridge]

Friend Bears Buddy,

That curse iz still a mitey powerful one. It wuz my second time ta see, hear 'n feel it. I aint ever paddled 'er camped with him when a hoodoochie didnt hit us hard.

Gittin' them geezers down that river warnt az hard az most folks mite figger. After our $3 "super duper" breakfast at the Low Gap General Store way out in the middle a nowhere, we wuz all in the van headed back along the mountain roads ta the put in. The Commodore sez "you kin do anythin' til ya say you are too old ta do it". So when he 'n Ray blew out, it warnt such a big deal. They both had a smile.

regards,

bearridge
sideways bound


Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham

 

[oldyaker]

LIE'S

What was the name of that song that Dolly sang????? Some of the words was, "Don't trust no small town Southern lawyer"
Help me with with the name of that tune Joey....

 

[BEARS BUDDY]

Friend Bears Buddy,

That curse iz still a mitey powerful one. It wuz my second time ta see, hear 'n feel it. I aint ever paddled 'er camped with him when a hoodoochie didnt hit us hard.

Gittin' them geezers down that river warnt az hard az most folks mite figger. After our $3 "super duper" breakfast at the Low Gap General Store way out in the middle a nowhere, we wuz all in the van headed back along the mountain roads ta the put in. The Commodore sez "you kin do anythin' til ya say you are too old ta do it". So when he 'n Ray blew out, it warnt such a big deal. They both had a smile.

regards,

bearridge
sideways bound


Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. W. Somerset Maugham

1. Ya had me worried when ya sez the rain quit after couple days. Thought mebee he lost the touch.
2. I like the Commodore already. You ain't out of it 'til you quit.
3. Them excesses are sumtin' you will look back on with fond satisfaction that you did it.

 

[Kayak Jack]

<SNIP> Them excesses are sumtin' you will look back on with fond satisfaction that you did it.

ROGER THAT! I never looked back.

 

[oldyaker]

Jack and BB,
Bear is a real ace when it comes to river guid'n the over the hill gang. Now that I know him real well, I am even proud to call him "My Gumba"!

Joey! Cancel that Whack job I was gonna have you pull on that Suth'n Lawyer! Fugettaboutit!!! He's one of the family now. :wink:

Now about Sparkenator, I had doubt's about his Hoodoochie spell, NO MORE!!! :shock: As a matter of fact, what Bear failed to mention, on the right shore on the way down river, the locals had two vertical sticks poked into the ground with sticks crossing at different angles with rocks hanging from some twine. I figger it was an offering to the Hoodoochie spirits to call off the Sparkenators ability to flood the whole valley. I wonder if Chuck was around in Noah's time? :?

 

[oldsparkey]

Guy's ... I do have to say it was quite a trip and I did enjoy my BATH in the river, just would have been nicer if I would not have had my clothes on and a full canoe but what the heck they needed to be washed anyway and after the bath I was the only clean camper in the group.
Guess that is what made Harry and Ray decide to have a bath also, but there experience sure did hold back on the fun ..... they did not have to change on the river bank with a bunch of women present and only a very .. Very, very small tree to duck behind. The darn tree was not big enough to tie a hammock to ...

Some of us know where and when to wipe out and some don't.... :roll:

Chuck.
PS.. Leave it to me I drive 2,208.8 miles (round trip) to take a bath in a mountain river....... YES ... It was worth it , darn Harry and Ray ever had to driver futher , like Joe but Joe stayed dry and YES on the last day when we were packed and leaving the sky was clear with all sorts of sunlight .... a real butterfly day

 

[bearridge]

Friend Ole Sparkey,

When you pulled away frum the river, the sun come out....hotter'n a cat on a tin roof. Ever day since haz been hot....real hot 'n sunny. On behalf of all the fellas I want ta thank ya fer keepin' us frum sunburn pain. 8)

regards,

bearridge
shade tree medikle clinik

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

 

[Swampy]

Back home and it's still standing.....
Caught up on some mail this afternoon and sent off a couple of pictures to the guys. I have yet to get then on line and will post some here on an official report later. Bro Bar has given the priliminaies and I shall dig deeper into the selected topics fer each day. When my sides begin to recover from the laughter that is.... :shock:

Bro Bar, Yak, Joe and Al were the experinced whitewater dudes.... the rest of us were not ready for whitewater or what was there on the Buffalo river this week. But! Gallant we were! And fun was had by all, regardless if they paddled the last day ( twice the distance covered before) or not. Having flat bottomed boats and one with out any freeboard at all ( Chuck's), we handled the chop rat well. I believe there were several new low life names coined on the river. I'll mention them later... :wink:

I got rid of the nick "Snatch" when I bowed in with the last day crew and paddled empty with them. What a differance! I became un stable and laughed at the rapids and rocks... Bro Bar did mention that I waz gitt'in to uppity with mah wann'in to stand up in a rapids one time.... :shock:

Meeting up with ones who ya haven't seen fer over a year and meetin some new river geezers was absolutly the best thang ever waz. Tom waz a gentleman's gentleman, Dano waz a long lost friend. Young Harry and Joe waz old friends rat after we met at Steel Creek. Old Yaker iz mah long lost brother in crime and insanity. He's in my will now....

Don't let em tell ya that the rain spoilt anythang. It didn't. Pity I didn't have a water proof camera rollin.... there waz hay stacks, rocks, rollers, trees, and much more on that river. But the guys went through them with gustto and laughter but wit a belief that this waz fer younger and more experinced crews. But we did gain experince. Lotz of it. One young fella down at Kyles Landing told me when he saw what I waz paddling(?) loaded,"Damn! Ya had yer hands full with that one!"

Since Chuck's blowout went fine and his recovery will take a couple more weeks, I'll lean on the merry side of his mooning the ladies frum Wisconsin....

That one rock pile that 6 of us lined wazn't for the ones who had no control over their boats and loads. Took 3 hours of running those boats around the piles of very fast moving water and rocks galore. Yak's running it , wouldn't have changed my mind at all. To much gear that wasn't tied down for that rough water. A couple of knots weren't gonna save anything from being ripped apart and tossed on down the river. The ones in the aluminum canoes had more guts than a WWII fighter pilot hitting them rocks ans some water running around them. I am more than jest a little proud of em and their staying through it. Chuck's loss of a "T" shirt and a pair of socks was less than Harry's camera....
Funny thang waz said when we collected Sparkey's gear az it waz swinin by us... later with that... :lol:

Food. What can I say? There was a general store at every take out. We will have to meet up again to collect that much eatin and drinkin. Better than a Baptist Homecoming with snacks, camp foods, ect.

Gotta tel ya about the Society Hill vs the River People too....
Wished thar waz cameras to take the goings on at the first camp on the river. No reality show could cover such. It was type "A" meeting the extraverts.... old men ( Yak being the child of 57 and youngest in camp) having a hoop of fun and not letting some serious situations stop them frum laughing.

Bro Bar and us all leart some thangs on that river. Say all ya want about what kind of boat, how to tie down a load, control in the water you would have learnt a thing or two on this trip. Any person can pilot an air craft , it waz once told me, but the true pilots know what to do whan everything else falls to shit. ( sorry little parders, but thiz iz grown up talk fer when thangs ain't picture perfect)

There wasn't a person there you wouldn't want to miss the next great Geezers Paddle. The richness of personel and the river made volumes for me and the rest of my life to remember them in. When i die and go to Heaven, and I'll meet a bunch there, these men will be just as great to have known.

Yeah, it is a precious memory to hang on th' mind's fireplace and look at fer always.....
swampy

 

[bearridge]

Fellas,

Sorry ta pull this ole one up 'n take it away frum the other threads with the good pichurs, but I dont know what else ta do. See, it aint what ya dont know that hurts ya, its what ya know fer sho that jest aint so. Been studyin' the Buffalo River gauges over the last few days 'n seen how I wuz misled. Ole Fish's Ozark Pages http://www.ozarkpages.com/cgi-bin/stages.pl?ST=level haz good info fer whitewater paddlers, but the two places he haz Buffalo River info (with the USGS gauge readin', the lowest, the middle 'n the highest level fer paddlin') it iz talkin' bout the Upper Buffalo up above Ponca Bridge, even tho one of 'em sez "below" it.

The gauges fer the rest of the Buffalo are on the Nationalized Park Service site. They aint USGS gauges. http://www.buffaloriverandrain.com/ I been dazed 'n confuzed over this....time ta set it straight. I dont want nobody readin' bout our trip 'n shovin' off based on the wrong gauge fer the wrong part of the river.

The gauge levels in my report come frum the Ozark Pages.....the wrong one. If ya look round the NPS gauge info ya kin pull up the water levels on this trip...fer every hour. Here iz what I found....on the NPS gauges.

4/10/05
3 pm Geezers begun ta show up. Tall tales fill the air. Ponca Bridge level 2.73' 316 cfs (cubic feet of water per second).

NPS sees it this way. <2' too danged low; 2-2.4' low but floatable; 2.5-4.9' ample water; 5-5.9' experienced paddlers only; 6'+ flood stage.

Well, by 'n by the sun went down, but the tales got even taller til we all hit the sack round 10:30 p.m. Rain wuz in the air. Thunder begun ta rumble 'n by 11 lightnin' bolts lit the place up like a pinball machine...a real hoodoochie. Rained all nite. Drizzlin' rain on 'n off the next day. All Chuck's fault.

11 pm 2.82' 360 cfs

4/11/05
10 am 2.91' 404cfs
12 pm 3.26' 619 cfs (bout the time we shoved off at Ponca Bridge)
3 pm 3.49' 795 cfs (cocktail hour....off the river)

4/12/05
9 am 3.44' 751 cfs
3 pm 3.32' 663 cfs

4/13/05
10 am 3.08' 492

I hope this info helps any of ya'll who aim ta paddle this river....keep ya frum gittin' confused. Mebbe the pichurs will help give ya a better idea of the river level, so if yer makin' plans, ya know what the numbers mean.

I am near bout packed. The big rain never showed up round Ponca yesterday, so after rizin' part of the nite, the river started droppin'. At 1:55 pm it wuz down ta 4.89' 1735 cfs. Too bad I aint there now. Woulda been a nice run without any campin' gear. By the time I git there Sunday afternoon, I it will be lower in the ample range....bout where it wuz when we shoved off frum Ponca Bridge back on April 11, 2005.

Mebbe I oughta ask Fish ta work on hiz Ozark Pages....jest so the Paddlin' Geezer Canoe Clud don't git any more confused that normal. :wink:

regards
bearridge

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down any time soon.